I hate mood swings. I fucking hate angry mood swings. 2 migraines in a row isn’t good for me. I thought I could just have the migraine this morning, but I think that dream I had last night really triggered the swing. The anger. Being upset and all that shit.
Fuck.
I hate that a dream triggered it. I hate that this dream still seems so fucking real. I hate that all morning it’s all I thought about and how much it bothered me. For fuck sakes. It was a dream Meals. Wake the fuck up.
Something so real in my mind but not real at all made me swing so hard that even I lost control when training. The worst part? Is that she was in it, I made her cry. I was upset with her because of something I asked her to do. AHHH. FUCK. WHEN WILL THIS END. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
I fucking hate this concussion shit. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate all this crap that happens randomly with no fucking sign. I hate that I remember everything. I hate that I fucking push people away. I fucking hate that I get angry to no end that I don’t even want to be near anyone, to be near her, to have her hug me, touch me, do anything near me. I hate that I can mask it so well at times, and suck at it during others. I fucking hate myself.
Sometimes I just wish it would end with me forgetting everything I say and do during those swings. I wish I would forget the stupid things I say and do to her when it happens so I can stop being so upset about it afterwards.
Not even a hard run stopped my anger today. Not even a hard run worked, like WTF.
AHHHHHHH! I just feel so angry, so helpless, so…annoyed.
I don’t think there are words to describe how cute this is to read. Leaving my iPod at her place and getting it back a day later to have this note on it. To read it over and over. To smile over and over. To like her even more and more, day after day, especially with all the cute things she does.
4 days. We spent 4 days away in Seattle just you, me and the memories that we were going to make. It was absolutely wonderful. I couldn’t of asked for a better weekend with you. We slept in. We had fun. We laughed. We talked. We did relaxing things, fun things, ate lots, and well…yeah. twice a day? Great. Absolutely great and you’d totally agree too ;)
That’s what you called Dory on steroids apparently. That was funny. That day was just full of your crazy jokes and cute little laughs.
Do you know what I liked most about the weekend? The little things. I love holding your hand. I love kissing you. I love snuggling with you. The big things we did were great, fun, and amazing. But the little things, the things that make my heart race a little faster no matter how many times it happens, or how many times during a day I get to do it.
Every time you reach across to grab my hand in the car, I smile. Every time I get to hold you hand as we walk down the street, it makes my heart race a little. Every time you loop your arm around my arm when we are walking, I wish you’d never let go.
I hope you know you make me so happy. I hope you know you make smile. I hope you know you’re someone amazing and so special and like I told you yesterday, you’re getting even more special as every day passes.
Thank-you for an amazing weekend. And no, it’s not bad, or crazy, or sad that you want to be with me even after 5 days together, because I feel the same way. The EXACT same way. I want to be with you for as much as I can, for as long as i can.
